Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3
Warning: Suicide is never a joke, and not the answer. This is a fiction, looking into the thoughts of a factional character. If you have thoughts, or know someone that does please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.United States
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Spanish
This was a dream come true. I wanted out of the wrestling business. I got paid next to nothing, couldn’t move up, and they turned me into a joke. Plus the abuse to my body. By chance, I heard they needed a well built, tall man for this new comic movie. So I thought, “What the hell” and decided I would try out. And by some chance I got the part! This was a dream come true. Then why was I so unhappy? Well, because it brought with it too many new things. It was a life that scared me. I had made a few good friends, a best friend, and someone who seemed like a brother I never had. The problem was I fell in love.
It wasn’t apparent to me at first. It was just me feeling happy around him. I was happier than I had been with anyone else before. I just attributed it to the fact he was not wacked out on god knows what, like so many people I knew. But it soon became more, and more apparent that what I feared was true. It wasn’t just a brotherly love that I felt with Tom. At first it was just dreams. Not even sexual dreams. Those taunt me the least. Him finding out about my feelings, and rejecting me were the worst, and most apparent. But they were right. He was a ladies’ man. I was with him enough to figure that out.
Also what of my career? I mean this may not go anywhere, and if I was outed as even having feelings for one man, it would label me as gay. I wouldn’t be able to go back to wrestling again. I tried to move on. Go on a few dates. But when I was with the women, I just felt my heart clench like I was betraying Tom.
I have reached my breaking point. We were in the after party for Thor. After this we won’t see each other until I don’t know when. It went well, but as the night edged on the fear came. That I wouldn’t be near him again, or at least any time soon. I tried to relax, and enjoy myself. I even got to dance with Tom as friends. This sent me deeper in my hole, finalizing my decision. I gave Tom a tight hug, telling him I loved him. Him hugging me back. It was bliss.
This is what I had to do. I couldn’t deal with the torment, and then aloneness. I couldn’t be separated from my other half. Sure I could move to London… but he was already signed to a few projects that will have him far away. So I go up to my room, taking off my shirt. I rumble through my stuff. Where did I put it damn it. Finally I was able to find the gun I had bought. I sit on the bed a while with it in my hand. I had tried to put it in my mouth a few times. But I kept putting it down. Finally I had enough courage and put it fully in my mouth. I was finally able to pull the trigger when I heard my phone go off. I would have ignored it, but it was my special ring for Tom. I waited another moment, finding I had lost my nerve, and need to see his words. I stood up walking to my small hotel table next to the wall. Placing the gun down, and picking my phone up.
-Hey Brent, had a blast at the party tonight. Was hoping in our downtime before I have another shoot you could come and I could show you London, and why I love it so. – Thiddles
“Damn the man, just damn the man.” I choked out, beginning to cry. Why must he do this to me? No I can’t. I can’t go on like this. I text him back.
-I would love nothing more, but this is the last you will hear form me. Please keep yourself safe. – Love Brent.
I place the phone down and breathe. I look back down at the gun, finding I still have not the nerve for it. Deciding to take a shower. At least most of me will be clean then for this. The hot water helped to get me back in the mindset as I go through all the reasons in my head that I must do this. I hear a banging on my door. I try to ignore it, but it becomes insistent. I curse as I go to my door covering myself in a tower. “Who is it?!”
“Brent it is Tom open this door.” Damn it, damn it, damn it.
“I can’t, go to bed it is late.”
“You will open up this door now, do you hear me?!” I let out a breath… damn the man. I can’t say no to him.
I let Tom into the room as I go back to my silent freak out. Trying to breathe, starting to pace again. Tom came in, noting the gun he saw on the table against the wall. Becoming more concerned for his friend.
“Brent come on, tell me what is wrong. Why did you send me this message?” Tom said with his personal phone in his hand.
“I can’t.” Is all that I say as I continue to pace trying to file through what seems like a million things at once. Feeling utterly crushed under their weight.
Tom’s eyes went from me back to the gun on the table, him stepping forward so he is between me and the table. “Brent please stop pacing. I need you with me, and relaxed. Did you have too much to drink? Did someone give you something?” Tom clenched his hands seeing I was not stopping. “Now, Brent!”
I shake my head looking up at him. “Tom you should go. This won’t go well with you here.”
“What won’t go well?!” He comes a step closer.
“Stop beating the horse Brent. Why did you send me that text like it would be the last I had ever heard of you. Why did you hug me like that after the party?! Why the hell do you have a gun?” I looked up at him, seeing the pained look. His eyes wet indicating I had scared him. Damn that wasn’t my intent. This was meant to be smooth, painless. I had now noticed he was standing between me, and the table.
I exhale sitting on the end of the bed. Tom positioning himself so he is still between me and the table. “Alright… alright. I suppose I’ve got to give you some explanation before you will leave…”
“I am not leaving you.”
I look up at him, and then away. “Sure… well I ain’t drunk, and you know I’ve been clean. I wish I was. Clarity can be a real bitch of a mistress.” I laugh running my hand through my hair, messing it a bit. “You’re gonna laugh.”
He crosses his arms, looking down. “Try me Brent.”
I take one more deep breath, trying to get up my courage. Just letting it out. “I am in love.”
Tom smiles at this lowering his arms, his expression softening a bit. His voice a bit more gentle. “Then why all this.” He asks wanting to understand.
“I am in love with someone who could never accept me, love me. My heart is claimed by someone, and I will never be whole.”
“Come now, love is not like that. Love is wonderful! Why do you think they couldn’t accept you? You are fun, great personality, why wouldn’t they accept you.” Tom sits down next to me. I lower my head. I feel him put his hand on my back trying to be supportive. But it just causing more chaos in my brain. This is wrong, stop it, he doesn’t want me like that he is just trying to be a good friend. “Come on, you trust me like a brother, you said it yourself, please don’t hide from me.”
“I am not gay.” I say, Tom nodded.
“I know, but it would be ok if you were.”
“Tom… I am not gay, but… I am in love with a man.”
Tom nods, “I see. That could cause some chaos within you.” He says trying to roll around what I had said in his own mind trying to make sense of it, based on what his gay friends have told him.
“You should go Tom, I have said too much.” I try to stand, but I feel him press his hand on my chest to get me to sit again. While I could over power Tom any day, I couldn’t resist his being, his will, his touch.
“I will not leave you in this state. I am your friend, and I am here for you. We will get through this together. Now have you thought of therapy?”
I shake my head. “No, I am from the old school; I don’t need none, nor want it.”
I raise an eyebrow, and laugh. “You’re kidding me right?”
“Fine fine…” Now he is the one that is pacing slightly, my eyes flashing between him and the gun as he walks past it over, and over again. My seeing my only two options. “Then you only have one choice.” Now that, Tom was right about, and I nod in agreement. Him not really understanding what I am agreeing with in my head. “You must talk it out with me.” I look up at him like a deer in the head lights at hearing him say this. I begin to shake my head.
“No, no, no fucking way, no. I can’t, I won’t.”
“Well this isn’t an option.” Tom roared finally losing his patience, grabbing the gun, and holding it up.
“Put it down, you will hurt yourself!” I yell. My face turning to horror, as I see Tom pointing it at himself. “Please Tom no, stop. I will talk just please.” He nods, feeling he had gotten his point across putting it back on the table. I am near hyperventilating. Lord what have I got myself into. He can’t know the truth. I can’t take that rejection.
“Well out with it.” He says, sitting back down next to me.
“You know I come from a long line of Wrestlers, and promoters. It just isn’t done. I mean yeah I left the business, but anyone with roots that deep almost always goes back. If there is even a hint that I am anything less than straight that implodes that bridge. Besides my dad was quite the ladies’ man. I mean yeah most of my family is dead, but … I don’t know Tom. You can just see the looks, and know the disappointment, or worse”
I feel him take my hand, and hold it. It feels so soft, and warm. “I understand what it feels like fearing to disappoint your family. My father was not happy about me going into acting. He said I was throwing my life, and talents away. I also think he feared I was gay. But in the end, and it took a lot, he saw how happy it made me.”
“I know Tom you told me that during my last crisis.” I smile at him remembering when I questioned if me switching to acting was the best course of action. “This is a bit different.”
“Maybe, but you will find yourself.” I smile a bit brighter at his encouragement, wanting nothing more to believe it, as I believe in him. Then he unsuspectingly slides in a dagger. “So who is the lucky guy that has your affections?” He sees me tighten. Attempting to shift a way a bit. His voice sweet and soft. “Come on, you know I have kept all your secrets. It may help releasing it.” I simply shack my head. “Do I know him?”
“Tom I am not in the mood for a guessing game, and I am not telling you…”
“So I do know him. HMMM who could it be?” I stand up walking towards the balcony. He gets up, and follows me.
I lower my head as I grip the railing tightly. “Tom please why must you torment me?” I look down at the long drop below. Not the most ideal out, I mused, but could work
“Brent I am not trying to torment you.” He stopped, seeing me try to fight back my emotions, and tears. “Listen maybe you could practice with me, so then maybe you won’t feel weird about talking to whoever that special someone is.”
I can’t help, but chuckle at this. It’s just wrenching the dagger deeper in. You are a damn fool; it is you who I have the feelings for. I do roll the idea around in my head. Maybe this could get me the last bit of information, the information to quiet the part of me holding my hope, so it may finally be dismissed, and I can finish myself. I look up at him breathing. “All right. I will play with you Tom. But we play with my rules.” I see him nodding in agreement. “I want you to put yourself in the roll.” He closes his eyes trying to ready himself. “Imagine we are close, as you, and I are, Tom. Imagine it is you I had the affections for. Imagine I am telling you that I love you, and want you more than a brother. If you were in those shoes, and not a third party. How would you respond to me, knowing you only hook up with women?” I stand, and look at him. His eyes closed as he tries to school himself, put himself visually where he is putting himself in mentally. I then see him slowly open his eyes, and look at me.