Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3
Warning: Suicide is never a joke, and not the answer. This is a fiction, looking into the thoughts of a factional character. If you have thoughts, or know someone that does please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.United States
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I sit there, I had agreed to tell Tom about the man who has my heart so tied in knots that I was willing to end my life to stop feeling that way. I take a deep breath. “Where do I even start with that?”
Tom thought, he knew certain details may cause me to pull back, so a good starting place may be hard, then it came to him. “What was the first thing that drew you to him?” It was a safe question, doesn’t mention intimate details that may give away the person. He knew he had asked the right questions. He was nervous that he didn’t, but knew he it was when my face softened.
The answer instantly came to my mind, I would never forget the first thing that drew Tom to me. Drew him in more than a friend, the thing that I couldn’t get out of my head, that I became addicted too. I look at my hands, but now a smile, even though my eyes are still feeling like they will be raw soon. “His eyes, I could look at them the rest of my life, and it would be a life well lived. I could get lost in them, but I would realize I am looking to long...” I sigh, but it all spills out. In the end what would it matter, the moment he left I would do it, so who cares if I spill everything minus who the person was.
“I needed something else to look at, which lead to the other thing, his smile. He has the best smile. No matter how bad of a day I am having, when I see him smile, it lifts my spirits in ways I never thought possible.” I dare it, I dare to look to my side, at him. He is smiling, I am smiling back,” A thing of beauty.”
This causes Tom to smile bigger. In turn it caused me to give him a big smile. This caused Tom to ease a bit, even though he was still worried. “Do you share the same interests?” Tom hoped he could keep this ball rolling. The further away from the time bomb of what I was when he first came into my hotel room.
“We share a lot in common, but also have differing interests as well. It actually is nice. When we can we expose the other to new things. Some I have liked, others not so much. I am sure he feels the same.”
“He sounds open minded to a point to be willing to try something different.” Maybe, but not as different as I want to get, I think to myself. I know Tom to be open minded, but what I wanted was much different than taking him to see wresting, or going to an arcade. “Have you known him long?”
Tom realized the risk the moment that question came out. But I don’t hesitate to answer,” long enough to reach this point.” He nods, and still has that damn smile on his face.
“Wanna watch a movie, and order room service? I know the best movie I haven’t exposed you to yet.” Tom knew he had to find reasons to either stay, or get me out of the room. A long movie may help the situation he though.
I look at him, how did we go from talking about him to a movie. I didn’t want to watch a damn movie, I wanted to put myself out of my misery. Although if I agreed I could be next to Tom, and depending on the movie could be for quite some time. He looked at me praying I would say yes. He could see I was thinking hard about it. “Alright.”
I was rewarded with his face lighting up brighter than a Christmas tree. “Fantastic!” He shouted, why was he so excited. I was the one who got to spend time close to him. I lean back on the couch, looking up at the cealing. I close my eyes focusing on the sound of his voice, versus anything he may have exactly been saying. My head still too full to focus on much. The only part I really got out of it was that he was calling for room service. I loved his tastes, and how passionate he got when trying to get me to try something new.
It seemed I could never say no to him, when he wanted me to try something new. Even when I grumbled the answer was always yes. Although that was soon coming to an end. What would one movie hurt after all? Something he can take away, as I finally say no to him. Tell him no to the one thing that he would give up every other yes I ever gave him for.
“I found this on the On Demand list, I have watched it a few times while we were shooting here.” I hear him say as he flips though already knowing exactly how to pull it up quickly.
I let out a like hum,” A few times.” He was excited, I could tell. I liked him excited, he was so cute when he was… stop it damn it. But why stop, another voice piped up in my head. This is your last night with him. Think what you want, he won’t know, and you won’t be here later to beat yourself up for it. The voice did have a point. I had made my choice, if I am going to have to wait a bit longer, then why torture myself. Soon will be the end.
I smile as he turns to look at me. “Heat, it is the best movie, you are going to love it. I may um mouth words, if I do out loud I am sorry.” A complaint he had gotten more than once.
“So if this movie is so great, why show it to me now, and not sooner?” I say to him. He looked at me, I had a good point. It was his favorite, why now, and not earlier. With all the things he exposed me to.
“Sometimes we over look things. Things we take for granted, assuming there is always a tomorrow.” Was he really giving me a please don’t do it speech… I gave him a please stop look. “Sorry I didn’t mean it like that, maybe I did. Can we just enjoy the movie for now?” Him kicking himself hard, very hard.
“Only if I get to pick the next one,” I give him a grin. He knew I held back a lot of my tastes due to most in my mind never being interested in them. He knew one of my pet peeves was people humoring me.
He looked at me. I was kidding around, a very good sign. “Deal,” he said in agreement to me as he hears room service arrive. As he brought it in, I could see the look of hope on his face. I feared all too soon I would be crushing that hope.