Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3
Warning: Suicide is never a joke, and not the answer. This is a fiction, looking into the thoughts of a factional character. If you have thoughts, or know someone that does please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.United States
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
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Author Note: This chapter is about 5 years in the making. It was not due to me being bored of it, but more the subject matter. This is a hard subject to talk about let alone write about. At the end of the chapter for at least 3 or 4 of those years I did not know where to take it. It is a story that every time I looked to which story called to me. This one did, but the wall is what always met me. I wanted it to continue, but was having a hard time to determine the path. Recently inspiration came to me. I hope you all enjoy. I am currently working on chapter 3, and hope you enjoy the path the characters have shown me.
Chapter 1 Originally posted on WWW.TeamAONN.Com
I had asked for this, I had to remind myself of that as the true suffering began. As I looked into the slowly opening eyes of my tormentor, and redeemer. This was a horrible idea, maybe I could still make a break over the balcony. Maybe he wouldn’t be quick enough? Would fate at least give me that? Probably not, fate liked me to suffer.
I was now looking directly into beautiful, blue eyes of the man that was killing me. I saw them sparkle a moment, he must be smiling, when my eyes unfocused so I could see all of his face, that was confirmed. I just looked at him frozen on the spot. This was a very bad idea.
He could see my struggle, that he would have to make the first move, having gotten into the mindset of the man he was meant to play. “You wanted to see me Brent.” I hear him ask, but there is a delay before it clicks.
I clear my throat, and then nod catching on,” Um yeah… thanks… thanks for coming.”
Tom made the assumption with his next statement, and he wasn’t wrong. “Anything for a friend.” Tom motioned for us to walk back inside. The man was smart, close one out for me. He made sure he still was between me, and my original out, the gun still on the table.
We both sit on the couch in the room. I look at my hands, I didn’t want to do this. I wanted him to leave, and yet the thought caused me pain too. He was paying attention to me, was close to me. I felt his being, his soul, if such a thing existed. If I said it now, out loud, it wouldn’t matter, he wouldn’t know it was he, who was the one who held my heart. He would just be acting. I would be using his name to make it easier. If I play along maybe it will be over sooner.
Tom is patient, he could see I was trying to collect myself. He kept the warm expression on his face, even though he was so worried for his close friend. “This is… difficult.” That was an understatement if ever there was one. “But, it is something that you need to know. Needed to know for a long time. But I have been so scared that I would lose you as a friend.” Now it was my turn to get wet eyes from fear. God I couldn’t do this, why was he making me.
Tom couldn’t figure out who exactly the person was, but based on the people I knew, he took a small guess. “Are you sleeping with my wife?” The moment he saw my head snap up he knew that I forgot he was playing a part. “Sister? Mother? … Daughter?”
I feel enraged. “I’m I a joke to you?!” I was shouting, I was angry. Rejection is one thing, but he was making fun of me. I am ready to die, and he wants to make jokes. Maybe it just proves I was right never to tell him.
He face falls,” No, Brent of course not. But you said get into the mindset of a person that I don’t know. I am trying to help, and if it was one of your wrestling friends, the last thing he would think is that you were telling him you had feelings for him. May even, based on what you said assume you were coming out as having slept with a woman near him.”
Damn it he had a point, and a damn good one. Most would assume I had just fucked the woman closest to them. Not that I loved them. I sat back down. “I am sorry.” I say as I feel his large warm hand touch my back. I hear him tell me it is okay, but all I can think on is how good it feels to have physical contact. I close my eyes thinking on how good his hands felt earlier when we were fun dancing. He is such a good dancer… what I wouldn’t give to slow close dance with him… NO! STOP! Stop thinking on what can never, and will never be. I close my eyes tight shut trying to will the thoughts out of my head.
Tom saw this, saw me, saw my struggle. This must be so hard for me. He wished he saw the signs of trouble before. Before he almost lost me as a friend. He keeps his hand there thinking it is helping, and supportive. But for me it is just comforting torture. “Tom… I,” I look up at him, bad idea looking back down. He just waits for me, firm hand on my shoulder as I struggle with basic speech.
Maybe I can say it if I am not looking at him. I open my mouth, at first nothing coming out. When they do, each word is a struggle. “Tom, I asked you here because I looo..v…” I can’t, I can’t damn it. Maybe if you weren’t who I loved, then perhaps, but no. You are Tom, why couldn’t you see it. If you could, then I wouldn’t have to say it. But if you could, you would have dropped me like a stone.
Tom could see this may not have been a good idea as I keep trying and failing. But he was a quick thinker as he sees my knuckles are white with how hard I was clinching my fists. Surprised that my teeth didn’t draw blood as I bite it,” Brent?”
I look up at him. His heart hurt at the sight of such pain in my eyes. How watery they were as I was fighting the urge to cry. “Tell me about him,” he ventured, but added,” I don’t need to know who he is, but tell me anything you feel comfortable telling me about him.” He hoped that this would help, that this would be a better starting point.
I gulp,” Tell you about him?” I ask him, and I see him nod. I would have called him full of himself, if he only knew it was him. I nod, anything to stop this game of pretend. “Alright I will tell you about him.” I just hope you can’t figure out who the him is, I silently say to myself.